Thursday, May 10, 2012

The pitfalls of who I am

This world is full of judgemental individuals that believe or don't believe.  I find myself biting my lip and not talking to people about who I am.  I often times feel like I am the one in the proverbial closet, keeping all of who I am in the closet as to prevent those who are too narrow minded from trying to pray for my healing.  I have gone to therapists and have faced this condition that some would call mediumship, I have battled myself through darkness and light, through storms and through the calm, I have traveled thousands of miles alone trying to find the truth of who I am.

For a while my Mediumship, my "abilities" consumed me, it was all I could be, in a darkened corner of a closet I lived with in just that part of me.  I was alone and every now and then I would come out to put on a show.  I was like the freak that people wanted to see and wondered if I was real or just a creative original made by PT Barnum.  I stood on the proverbial stage while priests fought over who would exercise the demons from me.  I stood before the mirror unsure why I knew what I knew, unsure why I was even in this horrible body at all.  I felt I belonged in heaven because that is where I felt most at home.

As a child, after my dog attack, I lived in both realms for years.  No one understood and just thought I was a distracted child, a lost child, and I was perhaps.  I was and am often times, still lost here on this earth.  There are days that my body feels so constricting that I wish I could just release the zipper.  I joke that I am fat because my soul is trying to stretch out the space inside, so it's larger than life personality and being could be out and free, could feel the right size.

I carry my wings in my heart, they are heavy there, and for so long I felt that they would be the death of me.  When I started to be more open about who I am I still felt burdened, ridiculed, and angry that I am so harshly judged.  I am not psychotic or Schizophrenic, but people want to understand me and maybe in jealousy want to label me, or in fear, or in ignorance, it would be easier to just give someone like me medications to make it all go away.

The pitfall of who I am, though now I am finding more people like myself to be with, there are still those, still those who like at me like I have two heads and all I want to do is help people.  I still have people say they will pray for me and I tell them not to, I want to tell them to shut the fuck up, to go the fuck away, but I can't I just look at them and send them love.  Truth is, ignorance, no matter what it is from is still just ignorance and ignorance is sad.  Ignorance is what causes us to hold on to racism and irrational fears and hatred.  I pray someday that who I am finds a beautiful balance, instead of these moments of terrible sadness, of being trapped in a world that is so lost, so misguided that I truly don't belong. 

I love all people, I may not like them, but I love them, and I pray that someday everyone learns to accept all people for who they are, whether your beliefs are the same or different.  After all, we are all doing the same thing, muddling through this freaking world trying to find peace with in a world of chaos.  Trying to find a solution for ourselves and to find our purpose.  Find our purpose, I have found mine.

So how does your Garden Grow?  Spiritual Gardens are often the hardest to grow and it continues to change and shift, new paths, new flowers, new guides, etc, so enjoy it and remember, sometimes it feels like it's just a pile of dirt and rubble and the next moment there are beautiful trees and flowers.  Enjoy your Garden, even when under construction.

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