Sunday, July 14, 2013

Who am I

I think we all have struggled with identity at some point. I mean we are given so many titles and in life we try to compartmentalize things to make more sense. So I am sitting here as a Mother. My daughter is playing quietly on her own as she always does and we are spending time together laughing. You know I can list things I consider myself, writer, teacher, daycare provider, mother, sister, aunt, cousin and the list goes on. I am also hyper aware of how my presence will change others lives either for the better or worse and I have no control over that. I can just be who I am; take it or leave it.

I am also an introvert. This is a thing that people do not understand or believe about me. If you pull up the definition of an introvert you will see that I fall under the title rather peacefully. I am that way from lots of things but I have a fear of judgment for some reason and used to get sensitive if people didn’t like me. Sometimes I still get upset but only if they give me an identity I don’t like. It’s been a long road of discovery.

I did something amazing when I was like 10-12. I don’t remember the exact years but I was in a support group for teens with dysfunctional families. (Side note, I think just about every family has some sort of dysfunction there are just different variants to that.) We were trying to create skits to bring to schools about staying away from drugs and suicide prevention, etc. I don’t remember if we ever performed as this part of my life was a blur. I believe we did.

When I was a kid I was terrified of not being good enough. Again the way I was raised, dysfunction. It was my job to be the support person, the guide, the person who helps people to grow. I have always neglected my own needs to oversee the needs of others. I loved theater and the theater arts teacher had me in a class on Musicals, we would have to perform for the class and she said to me, “It amazes me how you just get lost in the scene, why don’t you try out for the plays? You can tell you believe you are there.” I never did, my own insecurities holding me back.

I spent my days locked in my room learning the words to several different musicals and trying to train my own voice. I always had a desire to be on stage, to create characters. I have written a dozen or so short plays since I was a kid and used to show them to the theater teacher. I wrote plays for my niece and son every Christmas for them to perform for the family. I have been a closet theater geek all of my life.

I don’t know who produced what play or what musical score was written by whom. I have never been very good with that sort of stuff. Now the only thing holding me back is my weight as stupid as that sounds I lost so much weight. I put it back on and this has been ridiculously frustrating and now with the injury to my leg I am limited as to what I can do. There I go again though, creating an identity based on my weight.

Anyway, there was a point to this, these identities. I do not live my life as just Celeste, I am not just a Mom or a cousin or an Aunt. I live far beyond the reaches of a sister or a daughter. In fact I far surpass worlds that most of us know and live with in my head as many different people at once. I do not have multiple personality disorder but I love to bring out other characters that I have observed in my people watching and hanging with my friends.

Since Improv I have realized that my passion of theater has not diminished and I am very much missing that part of my life. When I was a teen to young adult I was so busy trying to be normal I lost sight of my spiritual self. The part of me connected to that which is higher and better than me, and I stopped striving to be a better version of me. Man was I a whiney, insecure pain in the rear. As I reached my young adult hood I realize I missed trying to figure out the paranormal world. I am the first to discount the weird goings on, you can ask my friend. I do not believe fully that everything is spirit or something else but I do believe that there are things that science has yet to explain and I embrace those in my life and want to learn.

Then I hit 35, I realized that I had missed laughing, I was always so freaking serious. I watched Whose Line is it Anyway and laughed, a few shows on TV. I found that we had Improv in Connecticut and I laughed. I started taking classes again and realized how much I had always loved theatrics and how many classes I avoided because I was afraid I was not good enough.

When I was younger I wanted to take dance classes and be on stage in NY. I always imagined being in the Phantom or other various musicals. I have always loved to sing, although not great, I can sing sometimes. I have always loved to be a part of something bigger. There has been that emptiness for years inside because I missed that part of me. Now it feels that part of who I am can not be filled and I have to find every possible way to continue to take classes and learn. Some call that obsession but I call it the sudden need to fill apart of my soul that has been empty for so long. It is like a person who has walked through the desert and finally comes upon water. I was dry and parched and now I feel complete again and full.

I have spent so much of my life living for others and I found my spiritual community filled me up with love and hope. The ability to see the world is not a horrible place and people are by default good. We can not judge one another for what we do or how we behave. We are not sure what someone else has been through so we need to learn to accept everyone for who they are. We do not need to like them but we need to accept that they are who they are with out judgment and ridicule. I do not judge you and if you judge me shame on you.

I also learned through Improv that being other characters in make believe scenes are very liberating. Much like when I write my fictional stories, children or otherwise, I find peace with in my characters. My characters are almost a reflection of a place and time that needs to be recognized and accepted as a part of my identity or character. Almost every character you ever feel drawn to or want to be a part of has some reflection of who you feel you have been or are. Liberating to see yourself from inside out and be respectful and understanding of that part of you.

I never spell check or check my there, their or they’re when I post these things. I may have mixed up a few words but when I free write, you get what you get and you don’t get upset. ;-)

Remember, you are the only person who has the power to fill the voids in your life. When those get filled in you will find people who will compliment you and you will have balanced friendships and more kindred spirits. Whether that is a relationship of romance, bromance, or friendship, it is all about balance. As you fill your soul up with good you shine. When I see people on stage they seem to shine and sparkle to me and now I understand why.

Improv is a very interesting art form and has brought me to a new point in my life and I can never be thankful enough to my new found friends at the Improv groups. I apologize to them if I am a little over the top and say things that are shocking or perverse. There is so much to me and I am learning to uncover the layers and let others see all of me and in that is always both liberating and terrifying.

Tuesday, July 9, 2013

The Grey: There is controversial topics here

No I am not talking 50 Shades of Grey I am talking about the life in GREY.

We has humans want there to be a right and a wrong, a happy and a sad, a beautiful and an ugly.

We want resolution to our minds ability to categorize things into groups.  Celeste is fat, her friend is not, Celeste is a Medium, her friend is a dentist.  Whatever it is we compartmentalize everything in our lives.  We want things to have crisp clean lines because it makes our justifications easier. 

It is part of the human condition.  We all formulate agreements in our mind as to what is right and what is wrong.  When I was a kid if we got spanked this was okay, but now someone said, "this is not okay, let's see how it changes the children who were spanked."  They did all of these studied which were not as objective as we would like but now we say, "if we hit our children will hit so spanking is wrong."  I will admit right here sometimes a swift smack to the rear is what they need.  You know what all this granola parenting is doing, creating a ton of children who are not respectful, feel like they can do what they want when they want and have no respect for others.  Why?  NOT because Granola parenting is bad but because EVERY CHILD IS UNIQUE AND DIFFERENT.  Every child will respond to different parenting styles differently.  If you have a very sensitive, gentle child then reasoning with them is great.  You have a self righteous child you may need to review how you work with them.  They may need a firmer hand.  I don't believe in child abuse, that is my belief.  In some countries it is normal for the father to have sex with the daughter first, to teach them.  Gross isn't it?  The women don't end up all emotionally scarred because it is an accepted practice.  Shades of grey.

How do we continue to live in a world where people want to see only the black and white of the world.  This is right and this is wrong.  If your best friend comes to you and says, "That is it I am divorcing my asshole of a husband he cheated on me."  Your reaction is to comfort and you believe he is an asshole but do you really know what happened.  Did you stop and ask him his perspective?  Things are not just black and white, things are in the GREY and we have more than one side to every story and if we do not honor the other person and listen to both sides and then make a judgement we lose out on the truth. 

I am totally guilty of this.  Someone said, "this girl is a bitch on facebook look what she posted."  I will admit that is awful.  I will attack the person in my head at times.  Are they truly awful though?  Do I know the history between the two of them and do I know what got them to that point to say what they did?  Do I know what got them to the point of doing what they do?  I don't, I have to investigate, I have to see all of the colors in this situation before assuming I know anything about another person or the situation itself.

If people would stop judging others as good or bad I think the world would be a much more peaceful place.

So is a man who cheats good or bad?
Is a woman who cheats good or bad?
Is a man who killed a woman good or bad?
Is a woman who killed a man good or bad?
Is the person who is an abusive alcoholic good or bad?
Is the person who puts up with the abusive alcoholic good or bad?

What creates these people, situations?  What has lead them to this path?  If I say you are a jerk am I good or bad?

Sometimes we need to investigate more before we jump to conclusion about others or situations. 


People have opinions but that is okay but don't base your opinions on their opinions unless you have investigated the topic yourself.  It can save you a lot of drama and grief later on.  Be true to yourself and your beliefs, there is nothing wrong with them.  Just don't place judgements on others unless you understand all the sides of the stories they share or the way they react.  We all walk a different path and respect that, remain objective and you will find the world seems a lot less nasty.