Who am I

I think we all have struggled with identity at some point. I mean we are given so many titles and in life we try to compartmentalize things to make more sense. So I am sitting here as a Mother. My daughter is playing quietly on her own as she always does and we are spending time together laughing. You know I can list things I consider myself, writer, teacher, daycare provider, mother, sister, aunt, cousin and the list goes on. I am also hyper aware of how my presence will change others lives either for the better or worse and I have no control over that. I can just be who I am; take it or leave it.

I am also an introvert. This is a thing that people do not understand or believe about me. If you pull up the definition of an introvert you will see that I fall under the title rather peacefully. I am that way from lots of things but I have a fear of judgment for some reason and used to get sensitive if people didn’t like me. Sometimes I still get upset but only if they give me an identity I don’t like. It’s been a long road of discovery.

I did something amazing when I was like 10-12. I don’t remember the exact years but I was in a support group for teens with dysfunctional families. (Side note, I think just about every family has some sort of dysfunction there are just different variants to that.) We were trying to create skits to bring to schools about staying away from drugs and suicide prevention, etc. I don’t remember if we ever performed as this part of my life was a blur. I believe we did.

When I was a kid I was terrified of not being good enough. Again the way I was raised, dysfunction. It was my job to be the support person, the guide, the person who helps people to grow. I have always neglected my own needs to oversee the needs of others. I loved theater and the theater arts teacher had me in a class on Musicals, we would have to perform for the class and she said to me, “It amazes me how you just get lost in the scene, why don’t you try out for the plays? You can tell you believe you are there.” I never did, my own insecurities holding me back.

I spent my days locked in my room learning the words to several different musicals and trying to train my own voice. I always had a desire to be on stage, to create characters. I have written a dozen or so short plays since I was a kid and used to show them to the theater teacher. I wrote plays for my niece and son every Christmas for them to perform for the family. I have been a closet theater geek all of my life.

I don’t know who produced what play or what musical score was written by whom. I have never been very good with that sort of stuff. Now the only thing holding me back is my weight as stupid as that sounds I lost so much weight. I put it back on and this has been ridiculously frustrating and now with the injury to my leg I am limited as to what I can do. There I go again though, creating an identity based on my weight.

Anyway, there was a point to this, these identities. I do not live my life as just Celeste, I am not just a Mom or a cousin or an Aunt. I live far beyond the reaches of a sister or a daughter. In fact I far surpass worlds that most of us know and live with in my head as many different people at once. I do not have multiple personality disorder but I love to bring out other characters that I have observed in my people watching and hanging with my friends.

Since Improv I have realized that my passion of theater has not diminished and I am very much missing that part of my life. When I was a teen to young adult I was so busy trying to be normal I lost sight of my spiritual self. The part of me connected to that which is higher and better than me, and I stopped striving to be a better version of me. Man was I a whiney, insecure pain in the rear. As I reached my young adult hood I realize I missed trying to figure out the paranormal world. I am the first to discount the weird goings on, you can ask my friend. I do not believe fully that everything is spirit or something else but I do believe that there are things that science has yet to explain and I embrace those in my life and want to learn.

Then I hit 35, I realized that I had missed laughing, I was always so freaking serious. I watched Whose Line is it Anyway and laughed, a few shows on TV. I found that we had Improv in Connecticut and I laughed. I started taking classes again and realized how much I had always loved theatrics and how many classes I avoided because I was afraid I was not good enough.

When I was younger I wanted to take dance classes and be on stage in NY. I always imagined being in the Phantom or other various musicals. I have always loved to sing, although not great, I can sing sometimes. I have always loved to be a part of something bigger. There has been that emptiness for years inside because I missed that part of me. Now it feels that part of who I am can not be filled and I have to find every possible way to continue to take classes and learn. Some call that obsession but I call it the sudden need to fill apart of my soul that has been empty for so long. It is like a person who has walked through the desert and finally comes upon water. I was dry and parched and now I feel complete again and full.

I have spent so much of my life living for others and I found my spiritual community filled me up with love and hope. The ability to see the world is not a horrible place and people are by default good. We can not judge one another for what we do or how we behave. We are not sure what someone else has been through so we need to learn to accept everyone for who they are. We do not need to like them but we need to accept that they are who they are with out judgment and ridicule. I do not judge you and if you judge me shame on you.

I also learned through Improv that being other characters in make believe scenes are very liberating. Much like when I write my fictional stories, children or otherwise, I find peace with in my characters. My characters are almost a reflection of a place and time that needs to be recognized and accepted as a part of my identity or character. Almost every character you ever feel drawn to or want to be a part of has some reflection of who you feel you have been or are. Liberating to see yourself from inside out and be respectful and understanding of that part of you.

I never spell check or check my there, their or they’re when I post these things. I may have mixed up a few words but when I free write, you get what you get and you don’t get upset. ;-)

Remember, you are the only person who has the power to fill the voids in your life. When those get filled in you will find people who will compliment you and you will have balanced friendships and more kindred spirits. Whether that is a relationship of romance, bromance, or friendship, it is all about balance. As you fill your soul up with good you shine. When I see people on stage they seem to shine and sparkle to me and now I understand why.

Improv is a very interesting art form and has brought me to a new point in my life and I can never be thankful enough to my new found friends at the Improv groups. I apologize to them if I am a little over the top and say things that are shocking or perverse. There is so much to me and I am learning to uncover the layers and let others see all of me and in that is always both liberating and terrifying.