I am struggling often times with things to write as it seems that it becomes repetitive. However, in repetition comes learning or annoyance. Obviously I am trying to avoid annoying individuals but it happens.
I find that the moments I feel most at peace is when I am either doing readings or I am writing. I should say, the times I feel most at peace while in a conscious or semi conscious state. I find meditations lately have been quite depressive and I have spent a lot of time crying, which is something I loathe doing.
Perhaps that is what I need to write about. I often tell people it's okay to cry and yet I hate it. I hate everything about crying, I hate the sting of the tears, I hate the soreness that develops in the back of my mouth, I hate the stuffiness I get, but most of all, I HATE the way I feel inside. The level of pain that I feel, even if crying over something stupid like a movie, just makes me want to scream. I feel like I could not ever live with that pain, why? Because I bottled so much pain in my life away to function daily that I have now come to acknowledge that when the flood gates open it isn't about that one event, it is about healing a bunch of stuff.
I am a survivor, one of those survivors that push through life's tragedies and figures I will deal with it later. Be it a physically/sexually/emotionally abusive relationship, the death of someone I loved, the loss of a relationship and/or the struggle of watching others struggle. Truth is, I have NEVER taken the time to cry and the more I cry the more depressed I feel. So I prefer not to and yet I am the one person who tells people, "it's okay to cry, we all need to cry." I tell people this not to be a hypocrite but because I have to remind myself, "it's okay, let it out, don't wait for some stupid movie or one small event to set loose a wave of tears."
I sometimes feel extremely weird for this behavior but it is what it is.
The other thing people always say is I am loud.
If you wonder why?
I am partially deaf,
If I am being loud you have to let me know.
But I might cry.
;-)
Be well and be blessed.
How does your garden grow?
But you don't have to always deal with it later. Try to come to peace with the past. Forgive yourself and others....forgive. It was a necessary experience so you can see where you do not want to be now. You are who you are today because of those experiences. Don't hate your experience (at least TRY)...love it...for it gives you lessons. Think about moving forward, go for walks, spend time with friends you enjoy and bring you up. Acknowledge the past, yes, but that is where it belongs....in the past. Focus on today. Focus on where you WILL be and be excited because your life will be great!
ReplyDeleteSiobhan, eventually you do have to deal with the emotion at some point. Do you know why people become therapists? Not just for the people who are struggling now but those who avoided their past upsets and need to heal because it is disrupting their lives now. A past that is not resolved is a past that is going to haunt you.
ReplyDeleteYou are right, not all things need to be dealt with later but the things I listed are things that would need to be dealt with or else they can and often do have consequences in the future. I have forgiven all those who have done me wrong and I have forgiven myself for things I have done wrong.
I don't hate my experiences and I am the first person to tell others that I wouldn't take a single thing back because then I would not be who I am now. I like who I am now, hate them? Never....
My talking about crying is just that, talking about crying, how it makes me feel inside and my experience in the past with it. The idea that crying is healthy and yet for me I stay as far away from tears as I can. Truth is, we all have to cry and this is a reminder to myself that crying is healthy and okay. That I need to cry but allow myself to cry in the moment, not to bottle it up until it comes out for some stupid, insignificant reason.
I do move forward, I do focus on today, these are all things I already do. Having spent years in therapy, I do these things, I am just posting about tears and crying. How for me, crying is physically and/or emotionally painful because it brings of feelings that I try hard to experience infrequently. Concentrating on the positive things going on vs the sad, or hard.
Every now and then I cry and I think, "remember not to stay here, experience this now but don't let it consume you."
I think sometimes people let tears consume them, focus on the pain. People read my posts and because they know I am going through a lot of stuff assume it is about me being sad and wallowing but it is the opposite really. It is just thoughts on crying and thoughts on how to keep moving forward.
Moving forward....
Tears, sometimes we let these feelings consume us, getting lost in the pain. That was my point. My point was that I try my best to avoid that, because I don't like the feeling but every now and then, I have to accept it and feel it. Tears are healthy but wallowing is not.
Each day is a new day and we need to embrace it as such. That is what this post is about, even why I put humor at the end about me being loud. Which, had no connection to the story at all, so I thought it was a silly way to end.
FYI Part of becoming a medium is clearing the pain.... The past pain that we avoided because we needed to move forward.... Of course everything we need to make peace with, forgiveness, accept the experience for what it is and how it has made us who we are. That is why we do meditation and connecting with our inner self..... To let go of those things which we have avoided that created walls. Many believe they have dealt with it and they haven't.
ReplyDelete