Friday, September 11, 2015

I just need to hear it. I want to be part of a tribe.

I just need to hear it.  The elusive words we are all seeking.

I love you.
I am proud of you.
You are amazing.
I didn't know you had that in you.
Etc, etc, etc

For me it goes beyond that.  I think for many it falls into a broader category than the "I" it falls into the "us".

I love you turns into (we are together).
I am proud of you turns into (we are together)
You are amazing turns into (I enjoy your presence)
I didn't know you had that in you turns into (you have proven yourself worthy)

In the end Improv left me lonely as I do not have a tribe I belong to.
My stand up is lonely because I have no one near me to go to open mics with or knows how to even get things moving in CT.

In the end my tribe tends to be my spiritual friends.  So why is it that despite the greatest tribe around us we can still long for the tribe we don't feel like we belong or we haven't been accepted into?

I question this a bit as the loss of time devoted to Improv and comedy has dwindled I have quickly been forgotten and replaced by the new people, the young people, the cool people, and yup using high school mentality here.  Is it always this way for everyone or is it this way for those who didn't have a tribe early on?

I believe a great deal that people are pack animals, it is in our genetics somewhere.  Even those introverts who wish to be alone at times still want a small pack.  It isn't about the hundreds you could be with but those you enjoy being with.  Those who make you feel safe being you. Because in a pack the group is together, looking out for each other.

Even though in life we are ultimately alone in everything we do, it is the idea of the Zebra, they are all together, to distract the Lion but in the end they need to run alone.  We still need those other Zebras to feel safe.

I am not sure these ramblings make any sense but a huge part of who I am and was for the last two years is gone and rather lonely.  So it got me thinking about how blessed I am and lucky I am for what I do have.  Yet sometimes, that isn't enough.  I just need to hear it.

You are funny turns into (we laugh with you).
You should join us for improv turns into (you are not that shitty we want you with us).

The damage that is done to our brain when we are kids.  Not fitting in, not feeling like people care about you, spending every night alone at home reading, translates into, I just need validation.

Is it a bad thing to validate people?  I mean if it is true, I never encourage lying.  What if we don't lie, what if we tell people they are no good?  Would they stop trying to be part of that tribe and heal?  Would it cause more damage?

I have answers, I know what I need, I need truth.
I have answers for me.
You have answers for you.

How is your Garden growing?

1 comment:

  1. Well I love you Celeste. You are always a part of my tribe. I may not live next door to confuse that lion for you in the pack, but I can hurry there or am a phone call away to cheer you on or someone to help heal the wounds after the lion attacked. You are funny, you are intelligent, you bring peace to others and are a good friend. Granted I have had times where I see things that you believe that I'd do different, but you is ok. It is OK that you are different and I don't love you less for it. If I tell you that you are "no good" it would be something serious and not meant for you to run away, but to grow from it. Kinda like saying, Hey Celeste, isn't that a weed over there in your garden? If you want that weed to grow, hey, it's your garden, not mine. I personally like my alone time and don't see my friends that often, but when I do it is pretty awesome. So even if I don't say how awesome you are every day on the phone or in person, it should be known that my feelings remain you should never doubt that you aren't accepted by humanity because you me and by many others I see. And people suck! People aren't always nice to hang around and they all have their own thorns in their gardens that can stick you. Doesn't mean they don't love the people that come visit them, they just by nature have thorns and you have to be careful not to get pricked too hard, but you can still enjoy them. Lots of love.... Siobhan