Sunday, June 12, 2011

Something special

I remember growing up I always thought I wasn't very special. Yet I was constantly told how special I was, how different. To me that different wasn't good. I wanted to be special because I was a talented pianist, singer, or something more tangible.

Being special in a soulful kind of way, to a child, can be unrewarding. I wanted to just become something that was tangible to people. I wanted to be something more tangible to people. When I started reading Tarot I was told I was gifted, but I didn't want to be gifted, I wanted to be special. I suppose it is the same thing as not wanting to be cute, wanting to be beautiful.

There is a point to all of this, I swear. We all look for some sort of tangible specialness about ourselves. I heard a child the other day say, "I am not special, I can't do anything special." I stopped the child at my son's school and said, "of course you are special, you may not be good at something but you have a big heart and there are people that love you and THAT makes you special." He nodded and went off and I thought, if someone said that to me, I might not have taken much stock in it either.

Now that I am older and starting to hear voices that is not currently linked to a mental illness, thankfully, I hear people say, "you are so special, what a gift." What a gift, you know it is but it takes hard work, dedication, meditation and a lot of work on myself to do this. I have to fight the ego constantly to allow myself be a person of substance and value for others.

So today I was thinking, that is right, I am special. I am special because I recognize that life is a mish mosh of things that require us to change and grow. What makes me special is the ability to realize that I have to grow all the time and I have to take blame for the failures in my life. The things that make me most special are not the things that people see, but the way I am loved, the way I give love, and the way I feel inside.

Let me also clarify something, the love that I have been given is from myself. What makes me special is I LOVE myself, and that allows me to love others. How did I get to love myself so very much, because I didn't create ridiculous expectations for myself, I learned to accept myself for all of me, faults, bonuses and silliness. I learned to look at myself in the mirror every day for 35 days and say, "you are a beautiful, smart, funny individual who deserves love from yourself."

You are special, love yourself.

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