Thursday, January 24, 2013

Things I don't know how to say

Memories, I think I have touched in on past lives before.  That instant connection you feel when you meet someone.  I had that once with a fellow writer. 

A few things happened to trigger this sadness in me today....

1.  I went to the doctor and finally got a chance to find out what this 19 year medical problem could be.  I went to call my Mom to talk to her and well, she isn't on the end of a regular telephone.
2.  I sat down to write, writing, my blood, my breath, for many years was shared with someone once.

When I wrote my fictional story there was always a man named Jonathan.  Jonathan had dark wavy hair, olive skin and blue eyes.  I wrote about him all the time, mysterious, dark, deliciously sweet.  I wrote because I was alone, I wrote because I needed an outlet, I hated my life so I made one so perfectly filled with adventure and sex that I could not ask for a better world to occupy my time.

Then one day, I find him, Jonathan.  Online I find this man and he loves to write, he used to be a model in California.  He looked exactly like the Jonathan I wrote about.  He is Jonathan when it comes to his looks but to boot, he was a writer.  He wrote like me, we started writing stories together and we were always in sync.  We would challenge each other and write each other in corners to see if the other could get out.  He was for a while my muse.  I loved him for all that he represented at that moment in my life.  He was my book in real time.  It was crazy and surreal.  Part of me wonders if it all really happened.  I can't find him anymore.  I sometimes wonder if I manifested him and he was never real.  ha ha

Well we finally met and hit it off just as well online, on the phone and in person.  He called me sweetly seductive and I thought that was cute.  He had a way with words and a way he could look at me, see into me.  We had one day, one night and that was it.  He was gone, he called and talked about selling out and moving here with me.  He had a friend that said he could get a good deal on condos around the town I was in.  He said he never would love another like me.  Then of course, the facade shifted, he was gone. 

Why am I posting this?  He was part of a past life, a past life where I got passion right, maybe not love but passion right.  We were a team, he and I, in the past we made a wonderful team, but this life, well, we could be no further opposite than ice and flame.  HE was my muse, my memory just as he is now. 

I write this because I still feel him.  To this day when I sit down to write I can hear him whisper in my hear.  I can still smell his cologne, and feel his fingers against my skin.  I still hold my breath and you know, his soul is a part of my soul.  Our souls are so entirely intertwined with some of our past loves, past siblings, past lives that we will still feel them here.  I think sometimes people forget that we are all truly connected, not just in a 3 degrees of separation kind of way.  Many of our souls are united, and we come back to hang out with our old friends, maybe make a few new ones, find our sisters, brothers, loves, enemies and still spend time with those we have lost and loved.

If Jonathan showed up on my door today I would hug him.  I would ask him where he has been, invite him in for tea.  Write with him and laugh with him.  Though the one thing we both said we would never do together again is go out for Chinese.  (insert smile here)  We need to remember that every life, every person that crosses our path is there for a reason.  It's okay to miss those who were only meant to be on the journey with us for a moment.

So Jonathan, wherever you are, I miss you.  I miss writing with you and telling stories that could never be.  I miss the laughter we would share and the way you would whisper my name with your deep voice.  "Ccceelesste,"  the t only a hint on your lips.  I laugh because though I am married now, part of you lives on inside of me.  I would love to find another soul like yours, one who creates that passion to write with them.  I miss you my muse and every time I write about a Jonathan, I make sure they have one day and one night. 

Strangers in the night,
passing softly,
praying for the light,
knowing it was over,
long before it began
death never kept
The soul from
Finding those
It most longs for
Long before we began
It was over
300 years ago


Miss you my friend. 

Souls, they are a tricky thing.
People say hearts are what connects us, creates love, but I truly believe it is our souls journey. 

No comments:

Post a Comment