It's them NOT you

Today I got my feelings hurt.  To hear that people have said negative things about you to others yet they talk kindly to your face it hurts.  We all have done it at times and it happens but it doesn't take away from the person who feels the sting of our "bad" day.

What happens though when people do this consistently? 

What happens when people constantly hurt us?

What is important to recognize is that when we say something about someone it isn't about them it's about us.  It's about us deflecting something we don't like about ourselves onto them.
I can not tell you how many times I hear people say they hate Drama and yet they are constantly miserable, people are horrible and they are the victim.  We are not victims we are casualties of some other persons lack of love or maybe in some cases their own narcissism. 

Today I became a casualty. 

A casualty of people who have a different definition of friendship.
A casualty to loose words and actions with no forefront.
A casualty of some other persons bad day.

That knowledge helped very little at the time I reacted.

Every ones reactions are different, but mine went as follows.

Anger "Assholes how could they..."
Frustration "Why is no one saying to them, talk to her, be an adult."
Anger  (Misguided to the people who heard the bad words and not defending me.)
Internalized Sadness "Maybe I am a horrible person."
Outward Sadness (tears and more tears, how can so called friends not just come to me.  Do they think so little of me.  I love these people and I have been hurt.)
Recognition  (It's them not me)

It took me about 6 hours to get to the last one.  Six hours of an emotional roller coaster that I didn't want nor did I need.  Six hours of me thinking poorly of others and then of myself.

SIX EMOTIONALLY WASTED HOURS.

Why in the world, with all the knowledge I have did I spend six hours on this?

Why?

We are human, we all want to be liked.  We all want to be valued by others as much as we value them.  We want to be valued by others as much as we value ourselves.  In the long run though,  in order to value ourselves the most we need to rise above the attacks others put on us.

LESSON HEARD

We can not always please everyone.
We may occasionally say something that offends someone, if it happens and we are not a total ass then we should say, "I am sorry it was not meant to hurt you."
We can not protect others feelings. 
We are human and it's okay to run with all of the emotions we need to to heal but...

We should try to rise above.

In order to do so we must understand....

Humans are by nature selfish.  We may do selfless acts but we do selfless acts because it makes us feel good about ourselves.  We are all selfishly human.  In some ways my blogs are selfish too, I am trying to impart my wisdom to others and in the same time remind myself of what I hear and learn.

Humans do things not TOO us usually but "FOR THEMSELVES". 

So when someone talks behind your back it is probably to vent or get a perspective that "agrees" with their feelings.  As humans we want to be validated constantly.

When a human pushes you out of their life it's for their own benefit not to ruin your life.  Yet we take it sooo personally, "HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!"  Not, "I see you need something else to make you happy."  After all, by admitting you were not enough for someone you are not validating your "I am good enough" need.

Truth is, the sooner we learn that we need to validate ourselves the sooner that peoples lack of validation won't impact our emotions so deeply. 


"You don't want me any longer in your life.  I see, I did the best I could and I will find someone who will accept me for what I can offer not be hurt by what I didn't offer." 

So today I want you to validate yourself.

I am good enough.
I am a positive person.
I give enough love.
I give enough time.
I am compassionate.
I am kind.
I am enough.
I am enough for me. 
That is all I can be.
I am good enough.

I see you, I love you.

How does your Garden Grow?

I found some pests in mine, but they need to eat too, so I gently moved them over to other plants I don't worry so much about.