Life changes, why is it so hard?

I equate big life changes as this.

Many say they are like climbing up a hill to reach your destination.

I feel more like it's coming down the mountain after you reached the top and falling all the way down with no control.  You are dazed and confused when you get to the end and wonder, "How the hell did I get here and where the hell am I?" 

I prayed to open a daycare for YEARS.  I finally did, I worked hard to get here, but my heart is in helping others.  My heart is in my readings, healing, and spiritual pursuits.

When I was little I used to say I wanted to be a parapsychologist.  That I wanted to work with ghosts but you can't make any money doing that.  I have been proven wrong.  The other great thing about being proven wrong is that now I know what I can do and what I can't.

As I continue to muddle through this process of being pushed off the ledge I often question which direction is going to secure the future.  The funny thing is, really funny thing is, the changes that left me with scrapes, bruises and fear are the ones that have served me the best.  The ones where I felt like I was constantly against a wall pushing forward offered me the most lessons.

So the point is, life changes leave bruises and that is why it's scary.  We wonder how long it will take to heal?  How much time before I get to where I get all the ducks following me again and not tripping me up?  When I fell did I accidently tumble in the wrong direction?  Why am I further away than where I was before?  All of these who, what, where, when and whys leave is curled in a ball sometimes.  We sit there waiting for a rescue party but we realize our only way to our final destination is our own two feet.

So when you fall down the hill and you are wondering why the ground is no longer beneath your feet, when you finally stop.  Know that you were on the wrong path to begin with, so  now you are set right. 

Keep hiking on my friends.

How does your Garden grow?

Mine is growing by leaps and bounds.

ARCHER RELEASE

We all make mistakes
We all fuck up
We all hurt people
At some point if we continue to make the same mistakes
It becomes a choice
We need to accept that if we continue to lie to someone it's a choice
If we lie when we don't need to that is a choice
If we cheat once it could be a mistake
More than once, a choice
If we use hurtful words once it's a mistake
If we do it more than once it's a choice

Be the Archer. 

A-Accept
R-Recover
C-Change
H-Help
E-End
R-Release

Accept that you are not perfect and made a mistake.

Recover from the pain you caused yourself by the pain you have caused others.

Change your behavior that you keep repeating.  If you promise to change and then repeat the behavior again you have not changed and can not be upset if people block you out of their lives, even if temporary. 

Help yourself move on but let them know you have changed.  You CAN NOT make them forgive you but you can apologize so that you can move on.

End a relationship that keeps creating this toxic behavior in yourself.  Even if you love them it isn't right to continue to hurt someone.  Tuck this away as a lesson.

Release this situation and move on, promise yourself you are going to try to create a better, healthier pattern in other relationships. 

Be the archer. 

Oops

Oops

It's a simple word, I think I used it a ton as a kid. 
Oops I spilled the milk
Oops I broke the plant
Oops I dropped my bowl
Oops I killed a bug
Oops I broke my toy

What I find is, as I became an adult I stopped using oops.  I also stopped having humility.

Oops, I am sorry I hurt your feelings.
Oops, I didn't mean to forget your birthday.
Oops, I am sorry you feel I don't love you because I have been distant.

OOPS OOPS OOPS

I know very human beings lately who are okay with making mistakes.  Mistakes, it is a part of the human experience.

You know what else, I don't see anymore, people being honest.

Celeste you are complaining about something again.
Celeste you can't seem to get your head out of your rear end.
Celeste you are not being nice today.
Celeste you need to be more responsible for the way you present information.
Celeste.....

So I can say oops I am sorry but I can only apologize if real friends are honest with me. 

I have come to feel black listed from a certain group of people I loved a great deal.  Do you know what?
I have not asked them about it. 
I have not asked if they want to get together. 
I have not asked them if I did something wrong. 
They have not told me I have. 

So who black listed me?  I DID! 

Communication is so important so that it gives us a chance to say, "Oops I am sorry."  It also allows us the chance to walk away from something that doesn't serve us.  So if someone keeps telling us how horrible we are but 30 other people tell you that you are awesome, guess what you need to let go of?  Not the ones who love you.

So anyway, just some random thoughts written in a very free, fluid kind of thought pattern.  Maybe this makes no sense and it's a ramble of epic proportions.  Or maybe just one of you will understand why Oops and I am sorry need to come back.  Why true and honest friendships need to be front and center.  How it is we are all very much human. 

Forgive often (yourself and others)
Love deeply
Apologize honestly
Be honest
Open up channels of communication with out expectations
Be free of judgment of others

BREATHE

Humans: The Catch 22 of life

People often ask me what our purpose is here on earth.  Why do we live and why do we die.  What do we do to get it right?  The answer isn’t simple but it is achievable. 

Our souls come to experience the physicality of the world around them. 

They come to learn lessons so that they can achieve a greater soul vibration.

They come because they are going to be a lesson for someone else.

Our souls want to be able to thrive as a loving, giving soul among chaos and destruction that humans create.

The short answer, we come here to live.

We are not created to be perfect, but we come perfectly created.

As we grow so does our ego, so does our humanness.

I believe every person on this earth has a role, something to teach, from the Buddha to the killer, from the child to the adult, from the CEO of a large corporation to the homeless family on the street.

Our soul’s energy will resonate with different people depending on our goals. 

The dirtiest secrets in our world, the killers are here to teach us how to forgive.  (Not easy I know.)

The greedy humans are here to teach us to live simplistic and with very little. 

The Homeless on the street are here to teach us to give compassion and kindness no matter what their story.

The children are to remind us of our connection with the universe.

The adults are here to help the child follow their connection through life, no matter where it may lead.

Do not hesitate for a moment to not think that YOU are not important in this web we call human life.

With out you a child may not be born that will change the world.  With out you a homeless person may not get a smile one day.  With out you a pet may never find compassion.  With out you a plant may never be planted.  Every thing we do impacts the world around us and we all need to be a part of that.  The good, the bad and the downright ugly of this life all have a point, a purpose. 

Please do not think there is no purpose in this life.  You may not have the masses know your name.  You do have the opportunity to be famous to someone, because you have them a hug at their lowest point, or you offered them food or money when things got tough.  To someone you may be their beacon of hope that they can overcome greater obstacles in life because you did.

 

You are exactly where you belong. 

 

How does your Garden grow?

 

Remember to plant your bulbs (Dreams) now so they will blossom in the spring.

 

Love and light

I just need to hear it. I want to be part of a tribe.

I just need to hear it.  The elusive words we are all seeking.

I love you.
I am proud of you.
You are amazing.
I didn't know you had that in you.
Etc, etc, etc

For me it goes beyond that.  I think for many it falls into a broader category than the "I" it falls into the "us".

I love you turns into (we are together).
I am proud of you turns into (we are together)
You are amazing turns into (I enjoy your presence)
I didn't know you had that in you turns into (you have proven yourself worthy)

In the end Improv left me lonely as I do not have a tribe I belong to.
My stand up is lonely because I have no one near me to go to open mics with or knows how to even get things moving in CT.

In the end my tribe tends to be my spiritual friends.  So why is it that despite the greatest tribe around us we can still long for the tribe we don't feel like we belong or we haven't been accepted into?

I question this a bit as the loss of time devoted to Improv and comedy has dwindled I have quickly been forgotten and replaced by the new people, the young people, the cool people, and yup using high school mentality here.  Is it always this way for everyone or is it this way for those who didn't have a tribe early on?

I believe a great deal that people are pack animals, it is in our genetics somewhere.  Even those introverts who wish to be alone at times still want a small pack.  It isn't about the hundreds you could be with but those you enjoy being with.  Those who make you feel safe being you. Because in a pack the group is together, looking out for each other.

Even though in life we are ultimately alone in everything we do, it is the idea of the Zebra, they are all together, to distract the Lion but in the end they need to run alone.  We still need those other Zebras to feel safe.

I am not sure these ramblings make any sense but a huge part of who I am and was for the last two years is gone and rather lonely.  So it got me thinking about how blessed I am and lucky I am for what I do have.  Yet sometimes, that isn't enough.  I just need to hear it.

You are funny turns into (we laugh with you).
You should join us for improv turns into (you are not that shitty we want you with us).

The damage that is done to our brain when we are kids.  Not fitting in, not feeling like people care about you, spending every night alone at home reading, translates into, I just need validation.

Is it a bad thing to validate people?  I mean if it is true, I never encourage lying.  What if we don't lie, what if we tell people they are no good?  Would they stop trying to be part of that tribe and heal?  Would it cause more damage?

I have answers, I know what I need, I need truth.
I have answers for me.
You have answers for you.

How is your Garden growing?

We expect a lot as a bunch of runaways

You would think that a country built on people running from their home land to avoid religious persecution; we would be more free and open to others opinions.  The only thing that our forefathers took with themselves is the feeling of them being right and others being wrong.

So we killed the natives.
We stole people from their homes and enslaved them.
We denied marriage, equal rights for all and yet that is and was the exact thing we were trying to run from.

I question the integrity of the human soul at times when I see others hurt. 

I question the integrity of the human spirit when we say others are less worthy of food, shelter or money.

I question the integrity of the human condition when we allow humans suffering on the streets with their children.

I question the integrity of the human mind who feels money is more important than kindness.

I question the integrity of the human ego, oh wait, no I don't.

Our souls are meant to be compassionate and yet I hear political arguments about whether we should supply money or food stamps and how those people shouldn't be able to buy certain foods.  YET, no one wants to teach them to live on their income and/or teach them how to purchase healthy foods and eat right for less.  Can they even do it these days?

DO YOU KNOW WHO IS STARVING?  OUR CHILDREN? 

How much would we benefit if Human Services became Humane Services and taught people the benefit of gardening, healthy foods, how to shop on a budget and make your money stretch.  How to plan meals and help your children with homework, or even the basic concept of loving oneself so they have a desire to better themselves.

Instead they run away, some to drugs, others to depression, anger, blame, and we could change the world if we lived off the principle of guidance and help.

If we became HUMANE services not human service.  If we serviced the entire person and not just the symptoms of their suffering.

Lead a horse to water and you can not make him drink, but if you give him the tools to find his way to the water, he will surely drink and appreciate it more.  This is not a model for all, but for most.

Growth is about tools, evolution is about tools, yet we keep running away and blaming.

Also, stop laughing at The People Of Walmart, do you know their story?  How dare we judge!!!!  Let them be themselves, let them have mistakes, let them be who they are with out fear of persecution, isn't that why our forefathers came here? 

When do we stop the persecution and start the humane services.

Reconciling my Emotional Bank Account

I have spent YEARS reconciling my emotional bank account.
I am constantly trying to own my own emotions.

EBA= Emotional Bank Account a record of all of the emotional deposits and withdrawls you have made.  Including the why you felt that way and how you feel if certain events happen to you.

How many times have I told you and even myself, "No one makes us feel a certain way, we feel it ourselves."  They do not demand we feel betrayed, forgotten, lost, alone, angry, hurt, sad, broken hearted, happy, joy, peace, emotional bliss, etc., etc., etc.

We have been conditioned through life experiences to react in certain ways to events.

WE created a reaction to let downs, to words, to behaviors and we created these at an age where all we have is reaction, with little logic connected to the process.

The ego was strong, yessss?

So I go through and I do this reconciling of my emotional bank account. 

I do this systems check so to speak, "why when I hear laughter from my comedy do I feel fulfilled, yet as soon as I am off the stage I feel like I am no good?"

WHY?

Why because, not just with Improv or Standup, not just with Mediumship or Spiritual Guidance, not just with Kickball or Softball, not just with Birthday Parties or Summer Outings but lots of things I was created to feel not good enough.  My entire life was trying to live up to others expectations and living in the fear that I would fail them.  So many times I would reach them but was still told I was failing them somehow. 

When you grow up in a house where you are stuck between a mother who loves you and tries to build you up and a father that is not present but willing to tell you what is you have failed at, you grow up feeling self important and yet useless.

Such a contradiction of emotions and a struggle that is real. 

I am sharing a TON of personal information and there is a point.  This isn't really about me because I have reconciled my EBA (you can use that term too) but more than that it's an on going process.  Just like anything else in your life, we have to maintain our EBA.  We can't just buy our pets food for a month, it's a committment.  We can not just pay our bills when we feel like it, we have to committ to the process.  (Though some of us have struggles and can't pay things just to make ends meet, please do not judge yourself, please be at peace with where you are.) When we are born it is a life long committment to being the best we can be.  Some choose to embrace this and others run from it and blame the world.

I think our EBA is the most over looked area of our lives.  What if I asked you for a moment to think back to when the last time you were angry at someone?  Could you define why?  Not the situation that made you angry but the deep down core to the trigger that made you angry?  Did they let you down AGAIN?  Did they seem to talk down to you?  What was the core and how far down does that core go?

I try so hard to step back and check in with my EBA when I get angry.

I can say there is one truth about me that I struggle to change.  If someone lies to me I can not forget.  I can forgive but I will never let you in my life the way you once were.  Surface may seem fine but inside you broke the glass menagerie that is my heart.  You took a chip out that can not be replaced and I will not allow myself to be subject to that again!  WHY?  Because my entire childhood was a lie and when I found out about that lie in my 20s I grew angry.  So angry that I wanted nothing more then death.  I remember telling my mother that I believed that God made a huge mistake leaving me hear when I could have easily had that dog kill me when I was eight years old.  I remember the event like it was yesterday.  I was watching the entire event from above my body and as I was hanging out in Heaven I was told I had to come back and had work to do, I was angry.  I spent most of my life into my late 20's being angry and blaming the world.  I didn't like me then and I certainly would never want to live that way again!

So I spend a lot of time working on my EBA.  I spend many days questioning my reaction, where does it come from and how do I change my trigger reaction to similar events.  I do this so I can be a better human for one and two so people have less power over my good day. 

SO I CAN CHOOSE HAPPY!

So how does your spiritual Garden Grow?

Celeste