Pain is a moment

HEART ACHE         

 

My beautiful son is 14 experienced his first break up.  The emotional struggle the same as any adult going through a break up, divorce, etc.  Children feel pain just as strongly as we do.  Their relationships may not be as physically and emotionally mature as ours but the love is real.  I am tired of the concept of pain and hurt having expirations days and should vary in degrees based on how long you have known each other.  Surely the loss of a mother is harder than the loss of a partner.  This is not true, this is not true at all.

 

Love=Hope

 

Hope=Dreams

 

Dreams=Future

 

All are crushed in one moment.  In one small moment a good bye can have a devastatingly emotional impact on your life.

 

When someone comes to me grieving from any kind of loss the first thing I say is, “your grief is unique to you and we may or may not experience grief in the same way.”  There are tools and tricks to help move through grief but truth of the matter is grief can stick around for days, months, years, a century.  I worked with a client whose husband died 10 years ago and she still could not let it go.

Tricks to moving forward:  

Focus on positive things

Focus on friends

Focus on family you have.

 

No one persons’ heartache is harder or worse than any other persons.  We need to let others experience it how ever they need to.  Breathe and help them through it simply by being there.  Let them breathe into the pain.  I always say that, “breathe into the pain.”  We need to learn to just breathe and experience the pain, experience the moment for what it is.  Each moment is different and will be completely new.  So let it happen, let it be felt.  Then we learn how to navigate through the future pains.

Approval

THE DEAD HAVE SPOKEN

 

One of the things I have struggled with is trying to remember that I have CHOICE in this world.

 

So I can let someone calling me a narcissist as a blow and cry about it.  I could try to change their mind, or I could just accept that it is one persons’ opinion and their opinions about who I am does not define me. 

 

WHAT?

 

From the moment we are born we are seeking our parents to help us.  We seek their approval as young children, in our teens we seek the approval of our peers, teachers, than fellow employees, bosses, etc.  We constantly try to seek the approval of others, why?

 

Because this is how we are raised.  It isn’t any fault, it is in our nature to seek the approval of others.  I believe it goes back to the entire hierarchy in humans that exists in the animal kingdom.  If you are not approved of or accepted you are many times kicked out of the group and left to fend for yourself.  That could spell certain death in the wild.  (This is not a scientific study I read this is from my own personal observation.)

 

So as we use our primitive chimp brain which I will call our human side.  Then there is the soul who just craves love, peace and compassion.  I feel most empaths or sensitive will say that this can and will breaks our hearts during times of distress and struggle not only in our lives but around the world.  We have to seek a reason.  We are constantly wondering why people like us who try to spread joy, love are so often harshly judged.  We do one thing that is not deemed spiritual we are attacked for being human.  It doesn’t make sense.

 

As I was meditating one day I had Jesus say to me, “we all fall short of others expectations.  The higher they place us the easier it is to fall down.  That is why it is important to define yourself as human first and foremost.” 

 

Guess what, I am human. 

Welcome to humanity. 

I am not some angel.

I am not some guardian.

I am first and foremost a human here to learn lessons.

Perfection is no human beings to claim.

Be comfortable with your failures.

If people don’t like you walk away.

It’s their filters, their problem and somehow you were part of their lesson.

If you know you do all you can for the good of humanity and the moments of human nature have snuck in and they judged you, it’s time to walk away.

Be brave in your skin.

Strive to follow your SOULS requests.

Be okay with others judgements, we do not need their approval. 

We need only have approval of our own soul.

Stronger Through the Glue

Trauma
Emotional
Physical
Sexual
Mental
Loss
Trauma

Lack of acceptance
Lack of love
Abuse
Hurtful words
etc
etc
etc.....

Words hurt, actions hurt and we are left flailing in the sea of change and uncertainty.  In a world where people don't have the words to help because you don't know where it broke.  The only person who can glue your pieces back together is you.  People can love you and support you but they can not fix that broken part of you. 

When we are betrayed our hearts break, our souls yearn for understanding.  We truly all are as pure as children and when we are harmed in anyway our soul goes, "Why would this happen to me?"  Once we move past the "why me" we can start gluing that which is broken back together.  I think the biggest mistake we make is trying to remain the same after all the chaos though.

When we are broken in anyway we can not possibly be exactly who we were before.  There are pieces that never get found.  There are pieces, missing pieces that will never fit right.  It's okay though.  Instead of trying to put ourselves back together the way we were it is our time to see who we can be by rebuilding something new.  This is not a rushed process by any means.  This is a slow and steady process of looking at each piece that is left and imagining what it could be.  This should be exciting and new but it is also a bit scary. 

I have always said I want to be who I used to be.  I realized more than ever that isn't true.  I don't want to still be scared of being on stage.  I don't want to still be afraid to go out to the city by myself.  I don't want to be afraid of telling people I see and talk to Dead People.  It isn't a healthy part of who I was.  I was in self protective mode all of my life.  Truth is I want to see where I am going in the future. 

Life is too short to worry about how to fit things back together exactly how they are and now we can start building ourselves into exactly what we want.  Guess what, we might get broken again but stronger and stronger we become with the more glue we use.  Eventually, becoming what we are meant to be.  This break in my life, it didn't shatter all of me.  I still have a strong core from years of fixing. 

I don't love the "Phoenix" concept because the Phoenix rises from the ashes the same.  Truth is, once we go down like that, we are never the same. 

How does your Garden Grow?  What part of yourself are you trying to preserve that serves no purpose any longer?

Blessings of love and light.

The Fork in The Road

I remember very vividly an interview with Adam Levine, one that I thought struck me as funny.  He had said, “I am never going to get married, I love doing my own thing too much.”  I remember being that person too, and then I got married and now that is falling apart around me.

I am not sure that marriage is a necessary thing for everyone but I see people who thrive in marriage and other’s who don’t.  I have come to realize that I am craving a true, strong, soul to soul connection.  If we ended up married eventually fine but if not that would be fine too.  I have seen people who have dreamy ideals and others who look at it as a means to an end.  I was looking at it as a means to an end in some ways.  I was alone, scared, taking care of my son, a disabled father and I had no idea how I was going to manage my life at all.  I wanted to run away and I did.  I ran to a wonderful, kind, generous man who made an unforgivable mistake. 

I then thought we found a solution but we didn’t.  It was just impacting me in a way that made me doubt my self worth in general and not trust my own heart at all.  I met a friend, very accidently.  It sounds like some romantic fairy tale and that can happen, even in friendships.  We go in to something expecting one outcome and getting another.  I went in to get a tattoo and left with a friend.  Someone I find to be very much a symbol of all the things I am inside, a reflection of me in ways.  He has made me see, with out saying a word, that I was lying to myself.

I think the world of this new friend, so much so I probably give him more credit than he is used to.  Being a mirror to someone is a weird and wonderful gift that we never really realize we do.  As I have said I am a tattered patch work quilt, filled with torn pieces of broken dreams.  I am still warm and useful.  I am not a solid quilt and I am sure I will find more pieces and connect with others that will help me rebuild the beauty of my life.  For the first time in a long time I feel like I have it all in front of me to put together.  I feel like my life is an endless possibility of laughter and happiness.  This isn’t an easy transition but a much needed step out into the world of, “here I am!” 

As my friend said, “take time to figure yourself out.”  I have, I know who I am and what I want.  I want to be friends with someone, hold their hand, laugh, have no expectations, and it would be really cool if someone asked me out to dinner or to just hang out.  Otherwise I will be contently sitting at home working on my family, book, business and self.  I want someone who has their own life, dreams, aspirations and friends.  I will dream of that which may come, I will plan more vacations, spend more time traveling.  I will work on trying new things, who knows, maybe someday I will jump out of the plane.  

The biggest thing is I will be alive again.  That is more valuable than anything else.   

Why do I open myself up to be so vulnerable and honest, because I am a Medium!  I do not have all the answers and I must learn my lessons also.  I have to take the hard road sometimes.  It is a good road though, it builds strength, character and back bone.  

 

This is the year of changes and all of them will lead us to positive roads.   

Opening our hearts up to the endless possibilities that are around us allows us to find the true joy in living.   

I love you my dear friend and am so thankful for you in many ways.  I know you have said the same to me, the appreciation but sometimes we never really know how we impact each others lives.  I see your walls and I ignored them and you reached past the, “I’m great where I am at” wall and made me long for something different.   

Life is short, and we need to remember to teach our children to live it beautifully and embrace all the people who come into our lives.  From a 15 minute consult to what I hope leads to a life long friendship, I am grateful for my Raven, the bringer of messages. 

 

(Please note I did not make any edits to this post so any spelling or grammatical errors are here for the pure emotion in which it took to write this BLOG.) 

The Curtis House Restaurant and Inn my new love

            There are a few things I am passionate about, what I do and History.  NOT the history in history books but the stuff I hear and see.  My father Lyman Lamarre was a carpenter and we would often go through old homes, watch, “This Old House” together.  When I walk into an older home it’s like going home for me every single time.  This was the experience at The Curtis House Restaurant and Inn. 

 

Just a side note, when I started on this journey, I had no idea how much I would fall in love with this place.  Or perhaps how much this place fell in love with me.  Maybe even the way we fell in love together. 

            (The story unfolds) 

            I got a text from a very sweet client named Amy asking if I would consider doing an event at The Curtis House Inn.  I said it sounded interesting but was not sure if I wanted to do such a big event.  It seemed a bit taxing but I said I would talk to her sister.  I was excited but nervous because as many of you know, I hate people to leave with out a reading. 

            I later spoke to Dorie, Amy’s sister and talked.  As we were talking a lady came through and told me I had to go and, “Talk to her first she had things to say.”  A few weeks later I went and did a walk through like I would for any “haunted’ house.  This house is NOT haunted it is alive with HISTORY.  The stories the spirits told me made me so happy.  I never felt so at peace after leaving and left an impression on Dorie and the family.   

            Some of you may have heard the story about a spirit named Betty; well her name IS Elizabeth and would like to be called Elizabeth.  She is a lovely lady and sometimes she bother spirit but it’s because of something the people do in the room, so you best behave in that space.  I talked to a lovely man in the kitchen who is excited about the future plans for the menu.  If you have a chance to eat here I HIGHLY ENCOURAGE IT.  THE FOOD IS AMAZING. 

            Move forward to the day of the Gallery, Dorie took care of every last detail and the staff was beautiful.  We wanted to do a trial run and I WANT people to see this place.  Needless to say we had an amazing turn out; we sold all 30 seats and had others who were sorry to miss it.  I managed to give a reading to all 30 people in two hours and ten minutes.  Any Medium who does readings will tell you this is a near impossibility and I agree.  I feel 100% that the spirits want to see more people here and they want this place to thrive.  They helped me help people and that is a beautiful combination.  I also can’t guarantee that will happen again. 

            In the end I went there again today, I walked in to a home, not a restaurant, not a bar, not an Inn I walked into a home.  Not any home, MY HOME, YOUR HOME, THEIR HOME.  Spirit wants people to be home here.  I have another event coming up there, and I will do a 100 more if it brings 1000 more people through the doors.  This place is beautiful, it is a home filled with past Inn Keepers and head Chefs trying to preserve history, to preserve their home.  OUR HOME! 

Below are links to The Curtis House Restaurant and Inn

http://www.curtishouseinn.com/

https://www.facebook.com/CurtisHouseInn

 EVENT DETAILS:

October 24, 2015

5:30pm to 9:00pm

We start at 6pm with a paranormal talk; I will talk about ghost verses spirit.  The scariest things I have seen and investigations I have done.

7:-00pm-9:00pm Gallery Readings 

We also discussed the idea of offering rooms at a discounted rate so that you can stay after and take a tour of the building.  You get to hear some history and get some first hand account of the history.  I am also going to try to get some ghost stories to share.  I will talk about investigating etc, this is a very special home to me so I ask that if you stay you plan to have a great deal of respect for the living history in this home.  (MORE DETAILS TO COME)

Blessings.  

How does your Garden Grow? 

Tell me, where are your other homes?

Compete with no one....

In any job field there seems to be some competitiveness for jobs.  We are always trying to prove ourselves to others. 

• We are better than.... 
• We can do more work than.... 
• We provide more results than....
• We are smarter than....
• We have more college than....
• We have more certificates than.....

We try so hard to prove ourselves to others but more often we prove ourselves by comparing ourselves to other people.  We battle for supremacy over other human beings.  Where has that gotten us?

I am not a better mother than....
I am not a better wife than....
I am a better Medium than....
I am a better house cleaner than....
I am better with my money than....

What if for one freaking moment we stopped.  What if for one moment we said....  No YELLED

I AM GOOD ENOUGH!!!!

I heard from my therapist, yes I went to therapy, that we are always good enough.  Then we decide we want to improve on something, but it has to be for you.  Because you see something in you that is good enough but might be able to be better.  No one should force you to change.  You shouldn't change for more money, love, or friendship.  You should not change for anything except to meet your own personal desire to grow but you DO NOT have to. 

Honestly, our soul craves growth so at some point we will always want to grow but that does not mean we are not good enough.  We are good enough for this very moment, right now.  Tomorrow we might want to work harder at it and that's okay. 

NEVER do it for others....

NEVER DO IT TO BE BETTER THAN....

I HATE being compared to other Mediums, I am ME.  I AM GOOD ENOUGH.  I am not in competition with anyone else.  Everyone else is GOOD ENOUGH.

Work on you and remember at this moment, you are good enough.

It's them NOT you

Today I got my feelings hurt.  To hear that people have said negative things about you to others yet they talk kindly to your face it hurts.  We all have done it at times and it happens but it doesn't take away from the person who feels the sting of our "bad" day.

What happens though when people do this consistently? 

What happens when people constantly hurt us?

What is important to recognize is that when we say something about someone it isn't about them it's about us.  It's about us deflecting something we don't like about ourselves onto them.
I can not tell you how many times I hear people say they hate Drama and yet they are constantly miserable, people are horrible and they are the victim.  We are not victims we are casualties of some other persons lack of love or maybe in some cases their own narcissism. 

Today I became a casualty. 

A casualty of people who have a different definition of friendship.
A casualty to loose words and actions with no forefront.
A casualty of some other persons bad day.

That knowledge helped very little at the time I reacted.

Every ones reactions are different, but mine went as follows.

Anger "Assholes how could they..."
Frustration "Why is no one saying to them, talk to her, be an adult."
Anger  (Misguided to the people who heard the bad words and not defending me.)
Internalized Sadness "Maybe I am a horrible person."
Outward Sadness (tears and more tears, how can so called friends not just come to me.  Do they think so little of me.  I love these people and I have been hurt.)
Recognition  (It's them not me)

It took me about 6 hours to get to the last one.  Six hours of an emotional roller coaster that I didn't want nor did I need.  Six hours of me thinking poorly of others and then of myself.

SIX EMOTIONALLY WASTED HOURS.

Why in the world, with all the knowledge I have did I spend six hours on this?

Why?

We are human, we all want to be liked.  We all want to be valued by others as much as we value them.  We want to be valued by others as much as we value ourselves.  In the long run though,  in order to value ourselves the most we need to rise above the attacks others put on us.

LESSON HEARD

We can not always please everyone.
We may occasionally say something that offends someone, if it happens and we are not a total ass then we should say, "I am sorry it was not meant to hurt you."
We can not protect others feelings. 
We are human and it's okay to run with all of the emotions we need to to heal but...

We should try to rise above.

In order to do so we must understand....

Humans are by nature selfish.  We may do selfless acts but we do selfless acts because it makes us feel good about ourselves.  We are all selfishly human.  In some ways my blogs are selfish too, I am trying to impart my wisdom to others and in the same time remind myself of what I hear and learn.

Humans do things not TOO us usually but "FOR THEMSELVES". 

So when someone talks behind your back it is probably to vent or get a perspective that "agrees" with their feelings.  As humans we want to be validated constantly.

When a human pushes you out of their life it's for their own benefit not to ruin your life.  Yet we take it sooo personally, "HOW CAN YOU DO THIS TO ME!"  Not, "I see you need something else to make you happy."  After all, by admitting you were not enough for someone you are not validating your "I am good enough" need.

Truth is, the sooner we learn that we need to validate ourselves the sooner that peoples lack of validation won't impact our emotions so deeply. 


"You don't want me any longer in your life.  I see, I did the best I could and I will find someone who will accept me for what I can offer not be hurt by what I didn't offer." 

So today I want you to validate yourself.

I am good enough.
I am a positive person.
I give enough love.
I give enough time.
I am compassionate.
I am kind.
I am enough.
I am enough for me. 
That is all I can be.
I am good enough.

I see you, I love you.

How does your Garden Grow?

I found some pests in mine, but they need to eat too, so I gently moved them over to other plants I don't worry so much about.