I of course always plan to come on here being witty and amusing, but in all honesty what happens lately is the dry inside of me comes out.  The emotionally exhausted individual spews out across the pages through black lettering.  Truth is, it is what it is.

As I contemplate things I wanted to go see a Medium.  I KNOW, crazy right, being a Medium myself I should have all the answers, I should be able to talk to whomever I want.  Truth is, I am no good at talking to my family, I am much better at talking to others.  I just want someone else to do the work I suppose.  As I said above, I am emotionally exhausted and reading for myself would add more emotional baggage.

As I looked around at people that were recommended, $125.00 for a half an hour, not bad but those who are grieving often don't have that kind of money at their disposal.  Then I came across rates of $400.00-$500.00 with gallery readings running upwards to $125.00 dollars and you probably won't even get a reading.  I was astonished, and hurt, inside as the person looking for someone to make that connection.

Let me make this clear, this is a gift, I was told, this is a gift that can be given and taken away.  As soon as you take advantage of others grieving you will loose it.  Yet many of these people are still out there working for years taking advantage of others.  I guess now I understand why people say, "that is all you charge?" 

I have to work hard to even take money, let alone the $30.00 a half an hour I charge.  Sometimes people send additional money to me because they think I did more and I appreciate it but to ever ask for more money, holy poop no!

If people truly measure the success of a Medium or any other service by the $ charged, then they perhaps have lost true vision of what makes something a quality experience. 

So how does your Garden Grow? 

I have been spending a lot of time watering mine.  I believe I posted something similar recently but I am still having a hard time coming to terms with this $ thing.

Be blessed, be well....

Loved ones and death

There is nothing that makes death easier, even knowing that there is life after death does not change the hurt and anger that it evokes from a human stand point.  I try everyday to make peace with the passing of my mother and so far I have been pretty good, if good means breaking down and crying once a day then I may have been doing great because I cry once a week.  I still cry over my fathers stroke because I lost a dad and gained a child.

Truth is, we loose out, we loose a lot, we can't help but be saddened by the passing of the physical body, the part that we have associated with comfort and love.  The part that we perhaps have considered the person, who they are, what they are, etc.  Truth is, the most important part of them will carry on but how do we live missing the sound of their voice, their laughter, their hugs, maybe their ridiculous stories they told over and over again.  We don't really do we?  We always have that emptiness but we learn to keep going because we are left with little option because we have others who need us.

I am at a crossroads, watching my mother die.  I am waiting for her spirit to be released but truthfully, what am I waiting for?  I am waiting for death, the death of the body but life of the spirit.  In life comes death and in death comes life.  It is quite hard to pull all together.

Tonight, more than any other night I need to be held and told that I am strong and I can get through this.  More then anything tonight I need to remember what it was like to be that child, laying her head in her mothers arms while she cried about how her friend hurt her feelings.  I need to be that kid that is loved no matter what, not the one who comforts her mother.  I need to be the kid who hears her mother say, "It's going to be okay."  Even though I doubt her validity to the okay part.

My Mom today said she was very upset this is moving so fast, I told her I agreed.  Tonight my mother and I talked about what she really wants when she dies, is one big kick ass party where I will have to pitch tents because people shouldn't drive home.  I think that she wants to celebrate her life and perhaps her freedom in death.  She will finally be free of all that has hurt her hear on earth but at the cost of many hearts that will be left behind.  My sisters and I love her very much and loosing a parent we are close to is like loosing an appendage, we will never grow it back but we learn to live with out it.  We learn to live not with out her but her body.

Truth is, even as a medium, even as a person who believes in communication after death, it hurts and it sucks.  So don't ever sell yourself short that you haven't fully healed when you lost the person, even if you have had messages from them and felt peace, the physical presence is still missing.  We have learned that the physical is the person, which it is not, it is more like the car, it gets you places but isn't the true guide of where you go.  Imagine if you got in a car and it just took you where ever, our body is our car but our spirit drives it.  When the car breaks down that spirit still lives, in a way this brings joy and peace.   So when the persons car is gone we think, "how are they going to be there for us?"  They will be, she will be here forever, but in the end, it still sucks.

Don't let tears over death make you feel weak, let it make you feel strong, let it make you appreciate the fact that you loved deeply and remember to thank God for giving you that person in your life to love and promise yourself to live life and walk in joy. 

How does your garden grow?  Sometimes with tears, sometimes with sunshine, sometimes with storm clouds and laughter.

The pitfalls of who I am

This world is full of judgemental individuals that believe or don't believe.  I find myself biting my lip and not talking to people about who I am.  I often times feel like I am the one in the proverbial closet, keeping all of who I am in the closet as to prevent those who are too narrow minded from trying to pray for my healing.  I have gone to therapists and have faced this condition that some would call mediumship, I have battled myself through darkness and light, through storms and through the calm, I have traveled thousands of miles alone trying to find the truth of who I am.

For a while my Mediumship, my "abilities" consumed me, it was all I could be, in a darkened corner of a closet I lived with in just that part of me.  I was alone and every now and then I would come out to put on a show.  I was like the freak that people wanted to see and wondered if I was real or just a creative original made by PT Barnum.  I stood on the proverbial stage while priests fought over who would exercise the demons from me.  I stood before the mirror unsure why I knew what I knew, unsure why I was even in this horrible body at all.  I felt I belonged in heaven because that is where I felt most at home.

As a child, after my dog attack, I lived in both realms for years.  No one understood and just thought I was a distracted child, a lost child, and I was perhaps.  I was and am often times, still lost here on this earth.  There are days that my body feels so constricting that I wish I could just release the zipper.  I joke that I am fat because my soul is trying to stretch out the space inside, so it's larger than life personality and being could be out and free, could feel the right size.

I carry my wings in my heart, they are heavy there, and for so long I felt that they would be the death of me.  When I started to be more open about who I am I still felt burdened, ridiculed, and angry that I am so harshly judged.  I am not psychotic or Schizophrenic, but people want to understand me and maybe in jealousy want to label me, or in fear, or in ignorance, it would be easier to just give someone like me medications to make it all go away.

The pitfall of who I am, though now I am finding more people like myself to be with, there are still those, still those who like at me like I have two heads and all I want to do is help people.  I still have people say they will pray for me and I tell them not to, I want to tell them to shut the fuck up, to go the fuck away, but I can't I just look at them and send them love.  Truth is, ignorance, no matter what it is from is still just ignorance and ignorance is sad.  Ignorance is what causes us to hold on to racism and irrational fears and hatred.  I pray someday that who I am finds a beautiful balance, instead of these moments of terrible sadness, of being trapped in a world that is so lost, so misguided that I truly don't belong. 

I love all people, I may not like them, but I love them, and I pray that someday everyone learns to accept all people for who they are, whether your beliefs are the same or different.  After all, we are all doing the same thing, muddling through this freaking world trying to find peace with in a world of chaos.  Trying to find a solution for ourselves and to find our purpose.  Find our purpose, I have found mine.

So how does your Garden Grow?  Spiritual Gardens are often the hardest to grow and it continues to change and shift, new paths, new flowers, new guides, etc, so enjoy it and remember, sometimes it feels like it's just a pile of dirt and rubble and the next moment there are beautiful trees and flowers.  Enjoy your Garden, even when under construction.

Just my FYI

I just want to tell a story, when I do readings I am usually moved, I feel blessed and somehow more whole by bringing the gift of message to others. When I have dreams about people or moments where I feel like I am with them, I feel like I have to share. It is the most beautiful gift I get. People often ask me if I am tired from doing readings and I am not, I feel more alive and complete. I feel like I am doing what I was meant to do. I finally figured out why I was saved when I was eight years old. I shouldn't say finally learned, I have always known, but I mean I am finally following through with my purpose. Be blessed.

Hello, is anyone out there?

Hello, is anyone out there?

The simple answer is yes.  Lots of spirits waiting to talk.  Some random chatter in my brain today I thought I would share, a conversation between myself, spirit and myself....  ha~!

So I was thinking, the funny thing about thinking is sometimes it causes unwanted stress and sadness. 

It is an unhealthy but necessary habit, I mean, if we don't think how will we resolve the problems in our lives right?  Imagine if we all just stopped thinking, just stopped the worry and stopped the insanity of our minds for a year, what would happen?  We would all just be waiting, stressed, depressed, who knows what else or maybe we would just do whatever will God (my God your God, whatever name you use) has for us.  We have to think to make decisions, to make changes, to bring ourselves happiness rather than sadness or depression.  Imagine, just for a moment if you will, if we shut down completely....  DEATH....

So let me ask you this....  Really quickly, because this had me laughing a bit when spirit showed me this....

We die and we don't have to make decisions or plan things out, but what do we think about?

Truth is we work on ourselves on that side too.  Our minds are so intertwined with us that when we pass we work on healing ourselves because it is easier when there is no emotion involved.  That is the benefit of death but why can't we achieve that here for healing?

We are emotional beings that respond to events and thoughts in an emotional way, sadness, happiness, anger, frustration, and the list goes on.  The goal is to be more objective in our thinking, to be able to remove ourselves from what we are thinking and disconnect the emotional connection to then heal, decide or even bring ourselves some sort of inner peace.

Or is the emotional part of us an important part, something we NEED here on earth, to help guide us and protect us? 

So I ask you, how do you grow your Garden?

I just want people to think....  To think about what it means to think, what it means to problem solve, what it means to feel and how our emotions are useful or at times not useful in our daily thought patterns.  I am just wondering, what do you think?  I know I spent the entire blog contradicting myself, as spirit often has me do, because what is right for one person is not right for the other.  People, like my husband, can remove the emotional aspect of thinking and using their thoughts to better a situation, someone like me fails at doing that and I get all of my emotions in a tizzy over situations that I can or can not change.  So I am asking for your perspective and wondering, what do you think.

How is your Spiritual Garden growing today?