Thursday, August 23, 2012

I'mmmmm BACK!!!!

So I am sitting here listening to children play and sitting in the moment.  I am eating my breakfast, which feels like lead in my stomach and trying not to think.

We have all been here at some point in our lives, just trying to survive moment by moment because in a short period of time our entire world is going to be upside down and inside out.

DEATH

I don't care if it is a real death as in your mother dying, or the death of a relationship, dream, hope, whatever dies leaves our bodies heavy.

I am not a super hero by any means when it comes to coping with the daily challenges we face in this world.  We are all human and it is part of the "condition" of being here.  To learn how to cope through loss and some never get it and others seem to balance it well. 

I almost lost my sisters a few times, I have almost lost my own life, I have watched dreams die and my father almost left this world six years ago.  I am here to tell you, now, watching my mother die I can say for certain we are never READY to let go.

It isn't the fact that she is leaving her body that is bothering me.  It isn't the death itself, it is the loss of physicality.  The loss of the dreams I had, her being at the kids graduation, their wedding, etc.  In some ways I am glad I got married when I did, so she could be there.  In the end my kids don't have much family left, one grandmother (step for Brandon), three Aunts (one step for Brandon and two by blood). 

My mother always had the kids over every other weekend or so.  Brandon and his cousin Lynsey would sleep over.  I would swear that those two were brother and sister.  (Insert eye roll and laughter)  But Grandma is a roll, that after that person is gone, is emptied.  What ever will they do, he imagined Grandma there for his graduation, his dreams of her being there forever, gone. 

It is the dreams, the expectations we put on the condition of being human.  We all know we will loose a parent or a parent will loose a child.  There is no way around this sort of thing.  It is the dreams, the hopes, the physicality that we miss.  We must remember they are always with us and near us at all times even after the body dies.

So as I watch my mother transition from her body (which has had a hard life but had it's share of fun) and to what some would call heaven and I will just call life after life, I think, "God I am going to miss you.  Who am I going to call every time I feel low or I have had a tough day."  No matter how spiritual we are, we all suffer through loss.  We will cry and guess what, that is part of the deal we make when we come here, to feel, to experience, the good and the bad.  So just live in the moment, appreciate when your food because a lead weight in your stomach and know that it never goes away, it just changes.

3 comments:

  1. Thank you for writing this. This year for me has been covered in death and it was a terrifying start. I died inside because I just couldn't handle everything going on in my life and all the death that was happening on top of it. While I finally pulled myself out of the darkness and my spiritual side has guided me, the deaths that are to come in my family are going to be very hard on myself and everyone around me. I get told a lot, "Well, you know that death is not the end, it will be okay."...they are right. I do, however it doesn't take the pain of them physically being gone away. I get pulled so back and forth. I have finally accepted that this is just happening, all I can do is make memories while we have time and grieve like everyone else when the time comes. Hugs to you, losing mom is my greatest fear, I send my love to you all, I send peace to you all. You are right, we are still human, grief is part of it.

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  2. *hugs* my friend. And well written.

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